Natalie Leonard: On October 29th, 2007, at about 10:30 PM, I considered all my options and decided the best was to drink a quart of bleach and hope for a quick death. I was fifteen, alone and miserable with nowhere to go and nothing to care about.
About fifteen minutes later I was vomiting so hard I passed out. The next thing I knew I was in hospital having my stomach pumped. They had me stay overnight and I didn't talk to anyone. I was just stunned: I was such a failure I couldn't even kill myself properly.
The next morning a doctor came in and asked me why I had done it, and what I was feeling at the time, and I told him because I was completely useless to everybody, I had no future, and being alive was shit, so I didn't want to do it anymore. He told me that when people do something like drinking bleach or taking too many pills they're often aware that it won't kill them and they're trying to tell someone something, and he wanted to know if I felt I was having trouble reaching anyone in my life.
I started crying, then, and he probably thought he was totally on point, and then I told him I was just too stupid to realize it wouldn't kill me immediately. Actually I think I asked him if assisted suicide was legal and if he could kill me, which I meant sardonically, but he took it quite literally and I suppose there was a bit of honesty in it.
So that's how I ended up committed. The first few days I just stayed in my room and didn't talk to anyone. I felt like as soon as I started talking to the other patients, they'd tell me I didn't deserve to be there, or they'd be more interesting than me and I'd feel like the idiot as usual. That's really how warped my mind was then—I thought that mental patients were going to treat me like I was crazy!
But eventually I started going in the lounge and watching television, and actually speaking during my counseling sessions. After all, I didn't want to waste people's tax money. That's where I met a girl named Alice Hughes.
Alice Hughes: Natalie was the only person my age at the hospital, so naturally I started talking to her. She was cute, too. I'm trying to put myself back where I was, in that state of mind, and I was just so desperate for attention and validation, so I...probably came on a bit strong.
Natalie Leonard: Alice and I came from very different background and had very different personalities, but we both loved music.
Alice Hughes: I love the Manic Street Preachers—
Natalie Leonard: —and the band that has always been closest to my heart is Quoth the Raven Nevermore. Nevermore encouraged me to be creative, but it's always hard to have a wholly beneficial relationship with a band like Nevermore. It's because of Tristain Wilder.
Tristain was truly the most brilliant human being I know of. His lyrics were so original, and his songs really spoke to me on a level that no one else ever had. He was mysterious, dark and silent, and you could spend a lifetime unraveling the layers of meaning in his words.
Not a lot of people knew about Nevermore. It was because of Tristain's death. They had been planning a second album, which would be released on a major label, and they were going to go on a worldwide promotion tour. But then Tristain hung himself.
I wasn't thinking about being like Tristain when I tried to kill myself. I was thinking about Tristain, though. I was thinking that life was really fucking futile if not even someone brilliant like Tristain could survive this world, could make it—I thought someone like that should be successful and happy. I thought if he didn't have a chance, no way did I have a chance.
It's funny, it took really understanding that life isn't fair for me to pick myself up and start living. I realized that people don't get what they deserve, people just get what they can, and I decided I had to do what I could. I realized that I could take some positive things from the people I admired. I realized that Tristain, and Richey from the Manic Street Preachers, had always worked hard at school, and had tried hard to be creative and express themselves, so I decided that's what I had to do.
In early December my mum phoned her sister-in-law who she hadn't spoken to in ages and said that she was hoping I could meet with my cousin Alan and talk to him because he had apparently been through some of the same troubles I had when he was younger and she thought it would be good for me to speak to him about university and jobs. I had just got a job in a shop, and we also got a puppy, because my mum said that learning about responsibilities would be important for me. And then I went to a café in East London to meet with Alan.
Alan and I hadn't got along well as children. Apparently I had been more cheerful when I was young, and much more used to modern comforts than Alan, from living in a city environment my whole life. I just remembered Alan as being my small town cousin who didn't like to play, and that I liked his twin Lauren much better. He just seemed like he wasn't really friendly and was really boring and a bit stuck up, but as I was waiting in the café I felt like maybe people saw me that way too.
I brought the dog along, a little mutt called Skipper, and this bloke with long hair reached down and patted him, and then he looked up and saw me and since I had told him on the phone what I was wearing he said, "You must be Natalie, do you remember me?"
I told him not really and I wished we'd got to see each other more often, which was sort of a lie, but I don't think it mattered. He was nothing like I remembered. He said he didn't want to beat around the bush, and he knew the reason my mum talked to his mum was because he'd been in hospital for depression before three times, and we talked about that, and about how he found that the most important thing to remember about depression was that it was to be treated like a long-term illness, something that you can't cure but you can treat the symptoms and be careful of yourself. He also said that he'd always found creativity was a good outlet for feelings that was hard to deal with otherwise, and that there was no reason to hold high standards for yourself when you were writing or creating art and just to think about getting your emotions onto paper.
I said, but that's not going to help me be a better student or get my life into order, and he said, you never know, since he found that with some help from his friend Emma he had turned his writings into songs, and that his band was the best thing he'd done in his life, and it helped him with being more organized and responsible and work harder toward his degree as well as the band itself. I said I didn't know he was in a band, and he said to look out for the band, called Knave of Hearts, as they'd just got their first album out on a major label and they were about to release a second single.
We turned our conversation to other things, like how Alan figured out that Sociology and Anthropology would be a good degree for him, and how it was no pressure if I still wasn't quite sure yet at fifteen and I should just make sure to do A-Levels in the subjects that I felt comfortable with and then look at what programs would fit with those things. We talked about how I had made a friend in hospital, and we talked about what I should do if I was feeling depressed or hopeless, and some other things, and we went on a small walk and exchanged mobile numbers before we each went home. And so I went to look for Knave of Hearts music on the Internet, and I was nearly immediately engrossed.
I phoned up Alice and she agreed with me that Knave seemed really interesting, and slowly we began to build up the idea that we could put together a fanzine. It was something that not a lot of people did at the time, and the only people that had any kind of fannish writing about Knave were two girls from Scotland who were just using a Myspace blog, but we messaged them and suggested putting together a fanzine. They said they were also thinking of doing one, so by the end of December, when the new Knave video for "Infamy" came out, there were already two Knave fanzines, ANTI EVERYTHING by the two Scottish girls, and Damaged Goods by us.
Through the Internet we had people send us essays and drawings and poetry, and so even though it was mostly me and Alice who made up the bulk of what was in Damaged Goods, along with some letters and a 'manifesto' from the band, we also had representation from the fan community all around the world.
(laugh) I don't think the band even realized they had a community around the world!
Davina Thewsley: The first issue of ANTI EVERYTHING focused largely on the British tour, and also had some local music reviews by me and Evelyn. We also included artwork, the lyrics to a rejected Knave song, and a lengthy political tract against the Royal Family and the Christian hegemony by a bloke called Vincent who we met on the street in Edinburgh. The magazine was thick for a fanzine, and loud, and a little upsetting, and it was exactly what we were hoping for. When I went to London to see Spencer, I would also go to bookshops and sell copies.
James Lewis: I first became interested in Knave of Hearts through the fanzine scene myself. I mean, I became aware of the music quite early on, because immediately after "Infamy" was released on Marque Records, it was getting a lot of radio play. In general though, just listening to a song on the radio, I'll concentrate on the hook or on a chorus without really giving much care to what's being said in the verse. But people were giving out copies of fanzines at venues and in cafés, and they often had a very in-depth analysis of one song or another, and that made me very interested in the band.
Naoko Izumi (design student) (translated from Japanese): I believe my friend Nobuo was somewhat responsible for bringing the music of Knave of Hearts to Japan. He is a DJ at a radio station, and he traveled to the UK where he bought the Knave of Hearts album. I think the band was attractive to the Japanese audience because we seem to like bands to become a brand, in a way. We like—I am speaking of a general tendency—we like musical performances that also have a theatrical aspect, and what I mean when I say a 'brand' is that there is some aspect of design or style that is tied to the band. I'm not saying that the Japanese don't care about the quality of music, because of course we do! But Knave of Hearts captured my attention because not only did they have catchy songs, they also had fashion, and they had the manifestos, the texts that went along with their music.
My best girl friend Risa and I immediately became big fans after we heard Nobuo play Knave of Hearts on his radio station. We wrote letters to each of the band members in January of 2008. They answered our letters and I think they spoke to their management and that's why they eventually came to play in Japan.
Risa Takagawa (design student) (reading from a letter): Dear Alan Léonin,
We have become big fans of Knave of Hearts' music, and we are very excited for the next album. Could you share with us, what will be the name of this album? We have some other questions for you if you have time.
What is your feeling about self-harm? We know that you have injured yourself in the past and we want to know what is your motivation behind self-injury, and if you have an opinion about fans who have cut their arms, and those who say that your music glorifies depression.
How do you feel about fashion? We love your nihilistic fashion in the band, and we want to know if this is a response to the fashion industry in England.
Do you believe that music only has value if there is a message?
Why do you believe that many of the big fans of Knave of Hearts are girls? Do you believe that you have reached women through your words even though you write them as a man?
Thank you for reading our letter and we hope that you will please come to Japan on your next tour. We can tell you where to find the best hotels and restaurants in Osaka.
Izumi Naoko and Takagawa Risa
Alan Léonin (reading from a letter): Dear Naoko and Risa,
Thank you for your letter. We love you like we're starving for it.
The next album will be more political and politicized. Expect culture shock. Our first album is too apologetic. Typical indie label reservations.
Self harm = violence = oppression. Express your anger through creation instead. Maybe make some money.
Society has manipulated us through fashion. We use fashion to manipulate society.
Emma and I write the songs together. We're glad women have become fans because women are forced to be more discerning when most music is patriarchal. We're also wildly attractive motherfuckers. We're glad women want sex in their music.
We will do our best to come to Osaka. Keep your minds open always and don't blink when you look at the sun.
Love from Alan
Knave of Hearts
Knave of Hearts
Theresa Hawk: I discovered Knave of Hearts when I saw their video for "Infamy". That's the video where they're in a castle, and they're dressed as royalty, and they're going through the everyday activities, you know, of royalty, and at the end they keep destroying everything—like when they have meals they break the dishes and make a mess and toss chairs around, and in the end they're cutting each other's clothes apart with scissors and putting out cigarettes in each other's hair. I think it's such a strong message, an amazing video. And of course Alan is nearly naked in the end (laugh)—I'm not saying that's the only thing I like about the band, it's just I was really attracted to Alan first. So my website was a Knave of Hearts fan page but it did center largely on Alan because I do feel like he's the life force of the band in a way, not that the others aren't important but the lyrics and some of the image comes from him.
Lauren Leonard: The 'Alan Léonin fan page' was really bizarre. Really bizarre. I couldn't even read it, these girls and boys were talking about their fantasies about my brother. There is no amount of bleach that can get that out of my brain.
Naomi Fried (medical intern): It was in early 2008 that my sister Rivka and I found out about Knave of Hearts. Rivka was fourteen and (laugh) very much a teenager in that she would get so passionate about everything. So of course after she started singing along to the single on the radio, she wanted to know everything about the band. She bought their album and all their singles. She even found the demo album on the Internet. I told her she should write letters, and they wrote back. She started a fanzine, which I helped her edit and pass around to be sold in record stores. We stood in line in the early morning in March when the second album went out.
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