Alan Léonin (reading from the lyrics to "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow" by Knave of Hearts): Every day I ship myself away / In neat packages with trademark stamps and MSRP / Every day I sign myself away / And every morning more of me is disappeared.
ºSarah Macintosh (television presenter): This is a special news bulletin. Evelyn Porter, age seventeen, went missing from her home in Edinburgh on April 29th. Evelyn was last seen at the home of a friend after attending a concert, but her parents report that she returned to her house and removed clothing and other items from her room. We will now play a message recorded by Evelyn's family.
ºJames Porter (factory worker): Evelyn, if you're out there, please contact us. We just want to know you're safe.
Emma Marx-Hall: Davina emailed us. She said she wanted to know if Evelyn had shown up at any of the shows on the tour, because she hadn't heard from Evelyn. We had no idea of the extent of what had happened until Emily started making some phone calls, and we soon realized it was really a situation. Missing persons and all that. I was really upset, and I went to Alan for some reason. I remember telling him, "You're Mr. Sociologist, you tell me what you think she would have done," and Alan telling me to go fuck myself or something like that. I think he thought I was trying to blame him for some reason.
Alan Léonin: There were a lot of implications I didn't want to think about, at that time. I buried myself in my work. Emma asked me to read it out to her one day in Ireland, and she put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was all right. I told her no, but when was I ever? I think she accepted that answer, and so we kept working. We always wrote the best on tour. It was when we were having experiences, and experiences were what we could write about. If my work was more disturbing, it was because so were my experiences. Because someone I had known had disappeared.
Theresa Hawk: We found out that they'd slept together later. I was a little bit shocked, no, more than a little, and a small part of me really wanted to hear from Evelyn about how it, y'know, how it was. But of course that wasn't an option.
Anyway I think it was almost like some kind of weird power at work. Like, every time Alan had sex with someone, they disappeared. Or like, not all of them literally disappeared, but they stopped coming back to the shows or listening to the music. And Evelyn, she just completely disappeared off the face of the earth, and that probably freaked Alan out just as much as it did us. Like he had a weird magic going on that he couldn't deal with, himself.
Emily Alexander: What could I do? I shuttled the band out of the UK and Ireland and into greater Europe as fast as I could. It frightened me, since I didn't know what sorts of reactions people would have, if the band would get blamed or condemned or what. If people would be violent toward them. If people would burn records or something—I mean, I just didn't know; it had never happened before.
Do you know what happened? The album, which had slid down to number 11, went back to number 5 in a week. And then...oh my God, it got even more bizarre.
Eileen Richardson: More fans started to pull disappearing acts. They turned up soon enough, to be sure—one boy called Oliver was backpacking in Scotland, one girl called Daphne was at a friend's house, and an American fan named Alice had tried to get on an airplane to the UK but was stopped because she didn't have a passport. I began following very closely at that point, because I'm a sociologist and my research has to do with individuals who create cult followings. I was trying to figure out what it was about the band—or perhaps about Evelyn Porter herself—that drew people in that way, that made people desire to emulate the behavior they saw, even when it was completely irrational and irresponsible.
Emma Marx-Hall: Ironically, with all of Emily's fears that there would be violence toward us in the UK, the first place that we saw any violence was in France, in Nantes, where we went immediately after Ireland. But it wasn't anything to do with our fans or our music, it was to do with Alan's sexuality. Someone shouted "Are you gay?" in French from the audience, and Alan leaned into the microphone and in his characteristic Alan Léonin way, cocked his head to the side and said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?", with a perfect accent. That one never goes down well. The kid chucked a bottle at him, and Alan did the 'turn the other cheek' thing and shrugged it off and kept playing. Turned out he'd got this massive bruise on his head. Nasty business.
Otherwise it was a good show. And er, I guess I should make it more clear that Alan had never been outside of the UK and Ireland before! He was amazed by the way people around him weren't speaking English. I have never seen anyone take such pleasure in ordering food before or since. I clung to those moments of Alan's happiness, because one hour later you knew he'd be wandering around the hotel room rattling off possibilities for how someone could disappear from the face of the earth. I tried to assure him that Evelyn was probably just with a boyfriend or something, but Alan seemed to be convinced that she'd done something truly drastic.
Lane Kennedy: I did something a bit bad in Nantes. I haven't told anyone this before. There was a boy trying to get backstage. He said Alan had told him how to find us, and that he said to let him in. I told him Alan had gone home early, but I would sign his records if he wanted. He produced a CD copy of the album and I put my name on it, but as he left I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
I lied because Alan was in a state, and I realized there are some kinds of disappointment that shock you to the core, and they're much harder to recover from.
Georgina Barlow (student): I admit. I did try to disappear. It seemed a cool thing to do at the time, and I didn't really value much in my life at fourteen except Knave of Hearts and the people who shared that with me. I didn't really know why people were doing it at the time, but I just wanted to be accepted. I got on a train to France, but I was stupid and fourteen and bought the ticket with my bank card, as you do, and my parents found out and had my uncle pick me up in Nantes. Didn't even get to see the concert.
(pause)
The Chunnel was well cool though!
Emily Alexander: Paris was insane. I hadn't expected that level of fandom outside of the UK. But there it was, and people in Paris had T-shirts and shouted out requests for old songs that the band hadn't played in ages but decided to anyway in an extra-long encore. The band all begged Rhiannon to adjust the schedule so they could wander the city and see the Louvre and the Place de la Concorde. They wanted to see all the places where their favorite artists and poets had hung out as young people and visit famous houses. We wrung two days in Paris out of the tour schedule and, yeah, there were moments of wonderful happiness and excitement amidst all the fear about poor Evelyn and the other fans who were starting to imitate her. We didn't know what the ultimate conclusion would be, so we tried to pretend, I think, that it wasn't happening.
Naomi Fried: Rivka was fascinated by the girl who disappeared. I think it had been one of the people she kept in contact with, one of the writers who were following the band on tour for a while. Had it been me, you know, I would have been really worried about my friend, but Rivka seemed almost impressed by it. When she talked about it she tried to make it seem like she was frightened for the girl, but she came off as more enthusiastic than anything else. Mum and Dad and I would always do our best to mention something about how what she had done was really irresponsible, and how it had harmed all the people she left behind, and—just in case—we kept a close eye on her, did our best to make sure she wasn't going to disappear as well.
Tom Thorogood: From Paris we went to Barcelona. And we thought Paris was a party! Just like in London, the club where we played in Barcelona had us sandwiched between DJ's, and we didn't get home till sunrise the next day.
It was that next day when Stephanie called me, and she wanted to know how I'd been, and why I hadn't phoned for so long. I explained that I'd been busy, but she told me she figured just being busy wasn't really much of an excuse for not even sending an email to your fiancée, and I agreed and apologized, thinking to myself that maybe I hadn't been thinking of Stephanie enough. Part of me was contemplating sending her something nice, but that's not Steph—she's not easily bought. And what was I doing anyway, trying to buy back the affections of a girl? Just because I was engaged to her?
I said maybe we should take a break, and she said, "Yeah, maybe we should take a fucking break, glad to see you've decided to let me in on the decision."
Amazing how the world can end in one phone call. I washed my face, then went to Emma and asked her if we could go out and get drunk.
Lane Kennedy: We went to Barcelona after Paris. We had to be searched by the Spanish border guards, and we nearly lost our visa, because of Alan's head injury.
Davina Thewsley: That's when I got a letter from Evelyn.
(reading aloud from personal correspondence): Dearest Davina,
There is a strange and exquisite joy in me. I have finally cut the ties that grounded me. To be free is a glorious thing, and to be lost is the only way to be free.
I wanted to write to you in particular, because I remembered what you told me in Edinburgh. You said not to speak to Alan, because that would keep my love for him pure. You said that it was important for him to be a figure, an example, someone admired from afar. And perhaps you were right. Perhaps now I have lost my innocence. But what I have found is so much greater than what I have lost.
You were always my dearest friend.
With love, Evelyn.
It was postmarked from Sweden. Sweden??
Naomi Fried: Rivka finally admitted to us one day that she had received a letter from the girl who disappeared. She let it slip at dinner. Mum and Dad made her show the letter. The girl—what was her name? All right, Evelyn Porter, she wrote to Rivka that she'd never felt more free in her life, and that she recommended running away to anyone who felt trapped or unable to express themself.
Emma Marx-Hall: And all the letters quoted us. From "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow". The part that says 'every morning more of me is disappeared'. It's like, do you people know what that song is about? It's about bloody Marxism! It's not to do with getting on a plane and running away across Europe.
Davina Thewsley: Most of the letters had a line from the Knave of Hearts song "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow", but mine said 'Drawing up my collar/ Walking tall out of the field/ Putting down my weapon/ Time instead to heal'. And that's from someone else's song. I didn't even know what it was. It's called "Little Criminals" and it's by a band from central London called The Immediately. I think Evelyn really did think she was some sort of hero for leading people away from the lives that they felt trapped in.
Natalie Leonard: I was home and I was keeping in touch with the people from the fandom, making sure that I was updated. I did my best to discourage people from running away from home. Alice and I wrote an essay for Damaged Goods about why it's a bad decision.
Alice Hughes (reading from Damaged Goods): Anyone who strikes out on her own realizes she's taking a step away from what is comfortable and into what is frightening. She recognizes that it's time to face her fears of the unknown, and without anyone by her side. And anyone who makes rash, dangerous decisions, makes them because they are the easy option. Damaged Goods challenges you to take the difficult option. Make changes from within. Damaged Goods wants to remind you that the Reign of Terror started off as a revolution, too.
We felt trapped in our own lives too, and when Natalie DG sat in the back of the Knave of Hearts tour bus watching the green hills of Ireland roll by, she felt free. We think you can be free and leave a lifeline to pull on in times of danger. We think you should remember that while freedom is something you can steal in small quantities so no one will notice, it's also something you can earn and have to hold and keep forever.
Janis Joplin told us freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Tristain Wilder told us freedom is gathered by the bourgeois through collecting proofs of purchase. We like to think freedom is the careful application of free will. Damaged Goods invites you to give the finger to predestination, and build freedom through careful planning.
Emma Marx-Hall: Meanwhile, we moved on. After Barcelona was Madrid.
Alan Léonin: I despised Madrid. It's a city soaked in smog. We visited the Prado. It was dark and cramped.
We did an interview and photo shoot for a magazine on the patio outside the royal palace. I looked awful. I was in a state. At night I drank wine so I could sleep. During the day I drank black coffee to stay awake.
Tom Thorogood: Steph had been my connection back to the real world. Now I was cut loose, rising too high. I was drinking often. My drumming suffered, but no one really cared if I was sloppy. I gave in to decadence from time to time. Emma got a bit stroppy with me after she found me getting a bit close with a fan—ooh, now, when I say getting a bit close I'm really talking about just putting my arm round someone and giving her a kiss, mind you—but yeah, she got a bit stroppy and I told her she was just jealous and she said yeah and sat down next to me and started kissing the girl herself.
Emily Alexander: In Madrid, Alan got wasted on who knows what and was being kind of publicly lewd with a boy and a girl who were either a couple or siblings before we even went on. When we did get on stage, the entire band except for Lane were so drunk they were forgetting lines in their songs. Lane looked so embarrassed. Alan draped himself over her and ruffled her hair and she prickled like a pissed-off cat.
In the hotel after the concert and afterparty, Emma and the roadies and I were reading magazines and painting each other's nails, Tom was practicing his drumming on the desk, and in the background Lane and Alan were having a nasty shouting match. We were all just trying to ignore it. There was no way any of us could get between those two. George came back and had to separate them.
A while later when we were all trying to sleep, they made up. Alan promised he'd never drink again.
Alan Léonin: We went on to Lisbon, which was one of the smaller shows on the tour. It was also one of our worst. That was my first day without alcohol, coincidentally my first day after having drunk more than in my entire life, including absinthe. I was having nasty headaches and bright light hurt my eyes. I went onstage with sunglasses on. In the middle of the show I started shaking and couldn't stop. It scared me so much that my heart rate got very high, and I started to think I was having a heart attack.
Brian St. Helens: "Boa noite, Lisboa," he said; "I'm sorry," and the other three played on without him. Meanwhile Alan retreated into a back room where he continued to panic and found himself having trouble breathing.
Emily Alexander: I found him there and I should have gone to him and helped him. I should have gotten him some cold water. But I saw him bent over himself and gasping and I saw Tristain there. I shouted at him, something stupid like, "You did this to yourself," and stomped off to cry into my arms in the bathroom for an hour. That night I almost wanted to die, because part of me was convinced it was my fault. And because an even bigger part of me was terrified that I was going to have to go through what I'd gone through with Tristain again.
I went back to him later, after the concert and after we had all gone back to the hotel. He was sitting on the bed in the moonlight.
Alan Léonin: I had met a boy in Lisbon, and I'd tried my best. I mean, he'd said that he'd never been able to express himself, because his whole family had considered being gay to be a sin. I thought—because I was stupid then—that I owed him something. That I was giving him a gift or whatever. Giving him a chance. Perhaps even getting rid of a bit of my, you know, privileged guilt, like, now I'm rich and I feel awful about it because clearly if I were a good person and pure of heart I would want to give it all away and lead an ascetic existence. (laugh)
But I couldn't do it. I was in too much pain, and too scared. I went back to the hotel, and everyone had gone out but Lane and Emily, the two of them in separate rooms. I was afraid to face Lane after the last night, so I went to Emily instead.
Emily Alexander: I had to make up for the way I'd treated him before. He was understanding, thankfully. He didn't really want to talk, or want me to talk, because he said it was making his headache worse. He lay down on the bed and said, "ooh, shit, fuck," in this little tiny voice. I swallowed my fears, I told my memories to shut up, and I sat by him. I felt nervous all of a sudden. He was vulnerable and he'd never been vulnerable quite like that before.
And again I thought that had to be the whole problem with what was happening. I had decided before that I wanted to protect the band, and now I knew I wasn't doing it well enough. They were creating a world for themselves, just like Tristain, where they had to pretend they weren't vulnerable and human—and I really do mean Alan here more than anyone—because so many people looked upon him as an idol, as a model. And it was this great big paradox, because if they were so attached to him because there was something very raw and real inside of him, then how could he be expected to live in a fake persona?
I just said, "I'm glad you've stopped drinking." He looked up at me and gave me a tiny smile. Like a little promise.
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